Laying it Down

It’s taken me two days to ponder this and pray about it, and even then, I wasn’t sure about whether or not I should write a post on this. However, I figured it this blog is supposed to be a space in which I process what it means to “trust without borders” and to discover what an authentic life is for me, then this post needed to be written.

Yesterday’s message at church included a reading from John 15, in which Jesus is talking about remaining in the vine and bearing good fruit. Now, if you’ve been in church for longer than 10 minutes, you’ve probably (like me) started to brush over this passage because it’s quoted all the time. And just as I found myself falling into that space again yesterday, verse 13 jumped out and nearly smacked me in the face: “Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends.”

I’ve often read this verse and assumed it referred to laying down your physical life for another, just as Jesus gave up his physical life for us on the cross. But as I read it yesterday, it was like a layer was peeled back and the verse took on an entirely new meaning for me. Not only did Jesus give up his physical life for us, but he gave up the “life” that he had with his Father to come to earth as a human and show us love. It occurred to me that God also calls us to give up our lives – whatever that may look like for each of us – to love others more fully.

I have recently applied for a job in Kigali, and since I hit the “submit” button I’ve had so many mixed emotions about it. The job is certainly an incredible opportunity for a recent grad in my field, and the field experience and living overseas would be amazing. But as I’ve spent the last 10 days here, I have been faced with the reality that this move would require giving up a lot – the creature comforts of home (not the least of which includes consistent running water), close proximity to family and friends, and the life I’ve built for myself in the Philly area. As much as I joke about how “terrible” it is to live in New Jersey, I really do love where I live and the life I have right now. The very selfish, human side of me doesn’t want to give that up, because I like it. And there’s a life there that I can picture for myself.

But what if God is calling me to “lay down my life” (the life that I imagine for myself) so that I can better love others? What would I miss by holding on to what’s comfortable and not sacrificing those things that, eternally speaking, aren’t important? Who would miss hearing about the hope and love of Jesus because of my selfishness? I mean, let’s face it: I can be pretty easy going, but several months without a hot shower could make me pretty cranky, haha. And yet the thought of missing out on witnessing God do some incredible things because of my selfishness is a horribly painful thought.

It’s been a long few days as I’ve processed these things and tried to make sense of why God has called me here for this current trip. There’s a lot that I don’t understand, and God and I are still talking through all of this, but I am learning to just enjoy this journey as he leads.