Confessions

I hadn’t planned on being away from my blog for so long. Really, I hadn’t…I’ve missed sharing life with you all through this blog. But between my return from Rwanda, my best friend’s wedding, a trip home to visit family, and my full-time job, this blog just kind of fell to the bottom of the priority list. And to be completely honest, the post I’ve been needing and wanting to write is the one with which I have struggled the most.

On the plane home from Rwanda, I had started a blog post with a list of “confessions” – things I had to express but just didn’t quite know how to express them. If I may take the liberty of plagiarizing myself here, I’ve simply cut and pasted my first two confessions:

      1.     I cried when the plane left the ground in Rwanda. I had this immense sadness all morning that I tried to ignore, but as much as I was ready to be home, I just wasn’t ready to leave Rwanda. I can’t even explain what it is, but there’s something in my heart that just loves Rwanda and the people there…I’m usually pretty good at identifying why I feel a certain way, but this is just something that evades me and I don’t know why. All I know is that it broke my heart to leave. 

      2.     I learned the hard way this week that no matter how many thousands of miles away you are, you can’t escape your own life…both the happiness and the heartache of life follow you regardless of which continent you’re on. There were so many things I thought I was done working through, but being in a new space just dug up so many emotions of an old heartache and I just didn’t know what to do about it.

While those feelings are still very real to me, there’s a third confession that I’ve had trouble dealing with, which is why this post is so many weeks late…

3.  I’ve been mad at God.

Yes, that’s right…mad at God. A little bit of angry/bitter kind of mad, a little bit of kid-pouting-in-the-corner kind of mad. I was so horribly sad to leave Rwanda, but I clung to the hope that I just might get that job and be back in a few short months. I had no sooner landed in the States, however, when I saw an email from the organization stating that they wouldn’t be “pursuing my application.” And partly out of jet lag, and mostly out of heartbreak, I fought back tired tears as I walked through the airport. After feeling like my trip had been largely unproductive, I was frustrated with God and so unsure of why he had called me back there this year and opened so many doors to even make the trip possible if I wouldn’t at least be returning there for work.

Beyond not being able to return to Rwanda as soon as I had hoped, I was angry with God because I knew this closed door was, very likely, his way of telling me to stay put where I’m at, be present in this season of life, and just wait on him. And honestly, I didn’t like it. For anyone who knows me, patience and contentment aren’t my strengths – I’ve become so accustomed to moving frequently and always being on the go that I’m constantly looking forward to the next thing instead of just being present where I’m at.

I’ll be honest – it’s been a month and some fighting with God (and maybe some pouting…okay…lots of pouting), and I still don’t understand exactly why I was in Rwanda this summer. And maybe I’ll never know. What I do know is that I’ve seen him do some pretty cool things in the past month, and it’s helping me to see how wonderful life is exactly where he has me in this moment. I have a lot to learn in this space in life, and I wouldn’t want to miss this for the world.