Authentic Living: Love and Relationships

The thing with the quest for an authentic life is that you can’t be authentic in just one area…if you’re gonna do it, you just gotta do it. Dive in head first and tackle everything as it comes up. It shouldn’t have been a surprise to me then, that love and relationships would be one of the first battles I’d fight in my search for authenticity.

Just a few short months after I first set out on this journey, my three-year relationship with my college boyfriend ended. I can’t say it was completely out of left field, so to speak, but I did think that we were really fighting for our relationship and learning to work through differences. Needless to say, I was utterly heartbroken. And while there is really no “good” time for a breakup, ten days from my Masters thesis due date proved to be more than challenging. Yet strangely enough, I’m also thankful for that timing…it gave me something else to focus on and work toward rather than be completely consumed by sadness day in and day out.

In these first few weeks after our split, I learned (and even relearned) a lot about coping and the value of a support system. One thing my mediation professors had taught me was about emotional intelligence and how to center oneself. As I processed the breakup, I was careful to let myself feel whatever emotion I was feeling at the time: if I was sad and felt like crying, I’d cry; if I was happy and wanted to laugh, I’d heartily laugh. I’ll be honest, it’s probably the most unstable I’ve felt in my entire life – you’d be amazed at how quickly emotions can change when you let yourself really feel them, and how quickly you find yourself curled up on the living room floor sobbing like a baby. But in letting myself really truly feel, I came to a place where I felt very honest with myself, which let me work through things that much faster. In addition, I had an amazing support system of friends and family members who patiently walked beside me and beared witness to the emotions (whatever they happened to be) each day.

After my degree was done and I no longer had school work to occupy my mind, I really had to confront some of the hardest parts of processing the breakup. In the first place, I had to recognize and own that I had ultimately let myself stay in what was turning into a very unhealthy relationship. Although some of those closest to me had seen it and warned me, I had not been in a place to hear it and had continued on in the relationship. In the end, I can’t say that I regret it – I was able to walk away from our relationship with a deep peace knowing that I had done everything I could and fought until the end to make it work – but in the process I only hurt myself. Don’t get me wrong, there were a lot of good things about the relationship too. But when unhealthy habits take hold, it takes a heck of lot to turn them around.

In addition, processing our breakup brought up a whole lot of ugly in me that I didn’t know (or hadn’t wanted to acknowledge) was buried deep within me. It’s no secret that along with “happy” and “sad” days, there are also days of seething anger and nothing short of a desire for vengeance. From a place of feeling so betrayed and so heartbroken, there were days when my anger would boil over and I’d spend hours venting to my ever-so-patient friends. It was a bit shocking at how quickly anger and hate can rise to the surface unchecked, and I had to confront this as well. It was a rather difficult lesson that when seeking a life that falls in line with my values and the core of who I am, I also need to work through the ugly, fleshy parts of human life that sit within my heart.

There was a moment about two months ago when I finally allowed myself to let it all go. It was a conscious choice, and it doesn’t mean there aren’t still days when I feel a little pain at being left by someone I had loved so deeply. But as I looked around at my friends who were present in the room that night, I felt the strangest sensation – in a split second I felt every crazy fun night in college, every day we spent crying on one another’s shoulders, every difficult life decision, every well-earned accomplishment, all at once. I realized in that moment that despite all those highs and lows we had experienced together, my friends and I were all okay. And no matter what came next, I’d be okay too. That night I let myself weep one last time – they were the most healing tears I have ever cried.

Despite the heartache, I can’t say that I regret my last relationship. If anything, I’m thankful for it…and I’m thankful for the breakup. Through it, I have come to see more clearly who I am. I’ve learned both how to respect myself and that I am worthy of respect from others. I have learned to speak up, voice my thoughts and needs, and be more mindful of the needs of others. I have learned how to have the difficult conversations, both with others and with myself. And while I realize I still have a lot to learn about love and relationships, I now know that relationships don’t define who I am, but rather help me and the other person grow into the people we are each called to be.