God of my Present

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking lately – shocking, right? ;) Thinking about the past, thinking about where I am now, thinking about where on earth I may end up, and thinking about how life might have been different. And naturally, a lot of emotions have come up – some warm and fuzzy, others raw and painful. After the first few weeks of this year, during which I felt so much peace and contentment, this new phase has been particularly unsettling. Although I can intellectually know it’s natural, emotionally it’s exhausting and discouraging.

On my way to church this morning, I was riding this train of thought again. In particular, I was considering the different paths that each of us takes in life. I’ve seen so many links getting passed around Facebook lately about “22 Reasons I Got Married Before Age 22” or “15 Reasons I Waited until I was 30 to Get Married,” and frankly, I’m getting sick of it. Yes, I have my opinions on the matter, and as one who’s almost 26 and still single, I’ll let you guess where I land on the matter. But at the end of the day, life looks different for everyone, and that includes the choice of not only when one gets married, but also if one gets married at all. Who am I to say that someone who is 22 is too young to get married? Just because I wasn’t ready at that age doesn’t mean nobody else is. But at the same time, I don’t want people assuming that those of us taking on our late twenties as singles are somehow “less of an adult” because we don’t have spouses. Could I have been married right out of college? Sure. Would that relationship have been the healthiest for me? Very likely not. And while I don’t have a husband and children to come home to at night, I do have a graduate degree and have both traveled and lived overseas. I really believe that it just comes down to life choices and what we value at certain stages in life – our choices have outcomes, for good or bad, and we just need to be content with those decisions.

So it was with these thoughts running through my head that I walked into church this morning – life choices, where I’ve been, and what the next steps in my career and personal life are. And then our pastor started his sermon titled “Roaming for Rest.” Yep, an entire sermon about the quest for contentment. As he walked us through the passage in Ecclesiastes, he said there are those who will search for fulfillment in work, and those who will search for fulfillment in family. While neither of these things are inherently bad, neither will bring fulfillment if they replace the space in our life that God should fill. If we seek fulfillment in those things rather than God, we miss the meaning of life and the contentment that comes with resting in the Lord.

Even more than that though, we will never be content if we are constantly looking forward to a time when we will be fulfilled in the future. Contentment is not circumstantial and based on external factors, but instead, it’s cultivated internally and is centered on fulfillment in God. And while God will provide for our future with what we need (note: not what we want or perceive to need), he is the God of our present. He is the God of what we encounter today, what we need today, and what is happening right now. He is enough for right now.

As this entire blog can attest, I am certainly not at the place in my life that I thought I’d be as I approach my late twenties. But I am learning to deeply love a God who has provided what I needed in the moment it is needed. While I can dream and plan and hope for tomorrow, I must live in today and trust the God of my present. 

If life were a Hollywood movie…

…this would be the part of the movie when the leading lady sells all her stuff, packs her journal, camera, and a few cute outfits, and moves to a different continent.

I don’t know what it is, but the last week or so has been particularly rough. I really didn’t want to post about it, for fear that the post would be perceived as a pathetic pity party, but after some serious thought I’ve decided to write a bit about it. Not because I want a pity party, but because it’s hard to be authentic if one doesn’t talk about the valleys along with the peaks. And unfortunately, it’s been a week in the valley.

Granted, not everything about the past week has been terrible. In fact, there have been a few wonderful moments in which I have felt absolutely loved. But at the end of the day, there has been this sadness that I just can’t find the trigger for. As someone who has always been able to identify my emotions and their causes, this has been rather troubling. And when I can’t find the reason for this crazy mix of emotions, I just want to run away. I want to sell my stuff and travel lightly – go somewhere new and just start over. Embark on an adventure that makes me feel alive again…an adventure that makes me feel something. Anything.

As I sit here in the small coffee shop in my quiet little town, I’m overcome by the fact that I can walk in, order, and sit here typing away without thinking twice about customs or looking out of place. I can tune out the noise around me and not think much about what’s happening elsewhere in the shop. And as nice as it is to blend into the background, I miss the assault on my senses as I walk through Kigali – the bright colors, the oppressive smell of fumes and heat, and the incessant noise of the city. I miss the Italians nearly glaring at me as I walk down the street because I lack bella figure with my tacky American style. I miss the feeling of being extra vigilant of customs as I stroll through the streets of Ireland – so similar to home in so many ways that the need to be extra mindful of different customs brings a quickening of the heart and a sense of life that seems to come only with travel.

Honestly, I’m not sure what the point of this post is, or how to wrap this up. I guess there really isn’t a conclusion to this. No moment of enlightenment or stroke of genius – just a little space to process, share the raw parts of the journey with you all, and ramble on about the need to get on a plane to anywhere. I’m sure that in a few days, the sun will be out again and life will feel beautiful again, but for now, it’s just the rawness and realness of the rough spaces in life that help us appreciate those sunny times when they return.

Authentic Living: Faith

Where does one even begin to describe their faith journey in a simple blog post? It’s certainly no easy task, which is – once again – why it’s been so long since I last posted.

Last year began with the goal to discover what it means to live authentically. As the year progressed, I quickly realized that as I uncovered authentic living in each area of my life, the meat of the issue came back to my faith – what did I believe, and how did I act on that? I can’t say I was in the space last year to tackle much of this head on, but life circumstances necessitated that I learn to “trust without borders,” to simply believe that God had a plan and walk in that absolute faith. It’s a pretty amazing space to dwell in – and honestly, pretty petrifying at the same time – but I’m so thankful for that experience. To be brought to the end of myself and realize that I will still be sustained is a lesson that I cannot soon forget.

However, as I’ve learned authenticity in other areas of life and have seen how it intersects with my faith, I’ve come to a place this month in which I’ve recognized the need to explore what it is I truly believe. I can no longer say that my faith informs my actions if I cannot clearly articulate what my faith states. And so my journey from last year continues and informs my New Year’s goals for 2014.

My goal for the year began with a plan to dive into the gospels and explore them in depth – spend a whole lot of time with Jesus and learning what it is he really said and did. However, as I’ve been doing some “reading for fun” (a novel notion since graduate school has ended, haha), I’ve encountered a few books that have challenged my faith in some deep and powerful ways. Do I really know what the Bible says or how it calls me to live, particularly as the scriptures relate to social justice? When I learn these things, am I willing to change how I live? What if those closest to me don’t understand or don’t agree – will I still hold true to my convictions?

I’m really looking forward to seeing what this year holds and how my faith is challenged and grown. I know it’s not going to be an easy journey, but I feel more ready than ever for it, and I can’t wait to share what I learn with you!