Peace

Hectic. Busy. Uncertain. Excited. Worried. 

And those are only a few of the words I would use to describe the past week and how I've been feeling. Heck, that’s how I’d describe much of the past year or so. Not all bad, but not all good, and a whole lot of highs and lows in a short amount of time. (Needless to say, it does a number on one’s nerves and emotions, haha.)

There’s a lot happening this week, and a lot of it is things that should completely stress me out and cause me to question everything. Don’t get me wrong – my adrenaline has been pumping, I’ve been a bit stressed, and I’m just plain worn out already. Despite this, though, I haven’t been shaken to my core. It’s as if there’s a ton of crazy happening around me, and the space I’m in is quiet and peaceful. It’s difficult to describe, but this is the best explanation I’ve been able to come up with:

“And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” (Philippians 4:7)

It’s a verse I heard frequently growing up in the church, but I never quite understood it. Perhaps it was because I didn’t know what peace really felt like, or perhaps it’s because I didn’t have such big worries, or maybe my faith just wasn’t mature enough to comprehend it at that point. But at this stage in life, it’s the very thing I cling to. I can assure you, it’s a strange feeling – feeling like I should be over-the-top stressed or anxious or worried and yet my spirit is quiet and resting. And while this deep peace doesn’t negate emotions, it makes the day-in and day-out so much more enjoyable knowing that God has the “big picture” under control and that everything – positive or negative – happens for a reason and is used for his glory.

I know there’s a lot of people who might disagree with me or think it’s just the “Christian crutch” thing. And that’s okay with me. I don’t even have any type of intellectual or logical argument for why this isn’t just a bunch of cockamamey crap – but that’s the point. This is peace that surpasses my limited understanding. What I can tell you though is that this peace is real and it is deep and it is the most remarkable thing I have ever felt. As you’re reading this, I pray that you would know this peace that “transcends all understanding,” however it manifests in your life today.

Authentic Living: Finding my Voice

Ask anyone who has known me since childhood, and they’ll likely tell you I’m the shy, quiet one. To some extent, this hasn’t changed – I’m still on the quiet side, as listening tends to be my default position, and I usually think for a while before I speak. In a way, I find it ironic that as such a quiet person, I place such a high value on people sharing their stories, particularly when I’ve been so hesitant for so long to open up and share my own perspective.

This year, however, I’ve really started to learn how and when to speak up. Although I’ve previously tried to challenge myself to speak up, there was a point in the spring when I sort of “snapped” and just started using my voice. There had been a few weeks in which there were a number of situations in which I felt like I had no agency or autonomy. It’s almost difficult to explain the absolute frustration I felt. Shortly after these events, I came across a post on social media that was so disrespectful and hateful towards an entire group of people, and I just couldn’t hold my tongue anymore. Though I don’t usually engage in charged exchanges over social media, I had come to a point where I knew I had to say something – even though it was completely unrelated to the personal events of the previous weeks, I felt the frustration of voicelessness in the deepest way and had to speak in defense of those to whom this post was directed. I can’t say the exchange went too well, but I felt a sense of agency I had never felt before, and it encouraged me to speak out more frequently.

As this year has progressed, I’ve worked hard to discover those values and issues that are most important to me – the ones that, for me, are worth stepping out of my comfort zone a little. I’m not going to lie – it’s a little scary to do when that hasn’t been the norm for 25 years of one’s life. But there is something that is incredibly refreshing in discovering your voice and claiming agency. I believe there comes a point in everyone’s life, or at least there should be, when you recognize that not everything is done to you, that you have a role in situations and can impact the outcome…or at the very least, that you can add a different perspective to the conversation.

That’s part of why I love this new song – this song resonates with me and reminds me to be “brave” and use my voice when necessary. To some extent, the purpose of this blog is to provide the space for me to do this, and it’s been a challenge for me to write a lot of these posts and put it all out there. But I believe there are some things that are just too important to keep quiet about.

Authentic Living: Love and Relationships

The thing with the quest for an authentic life is that you can’t be authentic in just one area…if you’re gonna do it, you just gotta do it. Dive in head first and tackle everything as it comes up. It shouldn’t have been a surprise to me then, that love and relationships would be one of the first battles I’d fight in my search for authenticity.

Just a few short months after I first set out on this journey, my three-year relationship with my college boyfriend ended. I can’t say it was completely out of left field, so to speak, but I did think that we were really fighting for our relationship and learning to work through differences. Needless to say, I was utterly heartbroken. And while there is really no “good” time for a breakup, ten days from my Masters thesis due date proved to be more than challenging. Yet strangely enough, I’m also thankful for that timing…it gave me something else to focus on and work toward rather than be completely consumed by sadness day in and day out.

In these first few weeks after our split, I learned (and even relearned) a lot about coping and the value of a support system. One thing my mediation professors had taught me was about emotional intelligence and how to center oneself. As I processed the breakup, I was careful to let myself feel whatever emotion I was feeling at the time: if I was sad and felt like crying, I’d cry; if I was happy and wanted to laugh, I’d heartily laugh. I’ll be honest, it’s probably the most unstable I’ve felt in my entire life – you’d be amazed at how quickly emotions can change when you let yourself really feel them, and how quickly you find yourself curled up on the living room floor sobbing like a baby. But in letting myself really truly feel, I came to a place where I felt very honest with myself, which let me work through things that much faster. In addition, I had an amazing support system of friends and family members who patiently walked beside me and beared witness to the emotions (whatever they happened to be) each day.

After my degree was done and I no longer had school work to occupy my mind, I really had to confront some of the hardest parts of processing the breakup. In the first place, I had to recognize and own that I had ultimately let myself stay in what was turning into a very unhealthy relationship. Although some of those closest to me had seen it and warned me, I had not been in a place to hear it and had continued on in the relationship. In the end, I can’t say that I regret it – I was able to walk away from our relationship with a deep peace knowing that I had done everything I could and fought until the end to make it work – but in the process I only hurt myself. Don’t get me wrong, there were a lot of good things about the relationship too. But when unhealthy habits take hold, it takes a heck of lot to turn them around.

In addition, processing our breakup brought up a whole lot of ugly in me that I didn’t know (or hadn’t wanted to acknowledge) was buried deep within me. It’s no secret that along with “happy” and “sad” days, there are also days of seething anger and nothing short of a desire for vengeance. From a place of feeling so betrayed and so heartbroken, there were days when my anger would boil over and I’d spend hours venting to my ever-so-patient friends. It was a bit shocking at how quickly anger and hate can rise to the surface unchecked, and I had to confront this as well. It was a rather difficult lesson that when seeking a life that falls in line with my values and the core of who I am, I also need to work through the ugly, fleshy parts of human life that sit within my heart.

There was a moment about two months ago when I finally allowed myself to let it all go. It was a conscious choice, and it doesn’t mean there aren’t still days when I feel a little pain at being left by someone I had loved so deeply. But as I looked around at my friends who were present in the room that night, I felt the strangest sensation – in a split second I felt every crazy fun night in college, every day we spent crying on one another’s shoulders, every difficult life decision, every well-earned accomplishment, all at once. I realized in that moment that despite all those highs and lows we had experienced together, my friends and I were all okay. And no matter what came next, I’d be okay too. That night I let myself weep one last time – they were the most healing tears I have ever cried.

Despite the heartache, I can’t say that I regret my last relationship. If anything, I’m thankful for it…and I’m thankful for the breakup. Through it, I have come to see more clearly who I am. I’ve learned both how to respect myself and that I am worthy of respect from others. I have learned to speak up, voice my thoughts and needs, and be more mindful of the needs of others. I have learned how to have the difficult conversations, both with others and with myself. And while I realize I still have a lot to learn about love and relationships, I now know that relationships don’t define who I am, but rather help me and the other person grow into the people we are each called to be.  

Authentic Living: Starting the Journey

I’m not really one for New Year’s resolutions…they tend to be a little too stress-inducing for me and just remind me of my fear of failure, especially since every resolution has typically been broken by January 5^th anyways. What I do like though, are New Year’s goals. Reframing them as goals reminds me that it is an ongoing process – not something to be maintained and achieved within the next 365 days, but rather a process, and a non-linear one at that, toward a more ideal way of living.

Early in January this year, I was contemplating recent events and realized that in the rush of life and while I was in grad school/survival mode, I had come to a place where I didn’t recognize myself or the person I had become. It was at that point that I asked God to show me what an authentic life looked like. I was tired of living in a space in which I felt so disconnected from myself and what was important to me.

Surprise, surprise…praying for an authentic life is like praying for patience. It seems like a harmless prayer, but what we forget is that God doesn’t just give us patience…he teaches it to us. In the same way, God just didn’t show up one day and say, “Here you go, Cait…here’s an authentic life.” (Which, by the way, could have been nice, haha.) Instead, every day this year has been a challenge to me to dig deep, ask the difficult questions of myself, and be willing to be wholly vulnerable at times. As painful as this process has been though, I can say that, even before this year is over, I have, without a doubt, become a more authentic version of myself in every area of my life. Whether in my faith, my relationships, or my work, God has been rooting out the old, the toxic, and the life-draining and has been filling it with the new, the healing, and the life-giving.

As painful as this year has been at times, I wouldn’t trade it for anything…I am so thankful for this journey, for what I’ve learned, and for who I’ve become. This search for authenticity is, in part, how this blog started, and I’m looking forward to sharing more about this journey toward authentic living in the next few blog posts.

“We have to dare to be ourselves, however frightening or strange that 

self may prove to be.”   ~ May Sarton

Revisiting Rwanda

There is a lot I’ve been processing the past few days – a lot of good blog material, I just haven’t found a way to put it into words yet. So until I have the words, I thought I’d share this with you all since I wasn’t able to post much from Rwanda in terms of pictures and videos (though the images here are from both trips). For me, there’s always been something powerful about images of a place and its people – it has always made me feel more connected and more aware, even if I’ve never traveled to that place myself, and I hope that by the end of this you can say the same about Rwanda. :) 

Until next time… 

Staying Put

While any Saturday that’s dedicated to rest feels special, this particular quiet Saturday is very special for me. It was a year ago today that I signed the lease on my current apartment and began moving in here after what had been a more-than-eventful few months. This is also the first time that I have renewed my lease for the first time – not moving again, and not a renewed lease on a month-to-month basis in preparation for moving. That’s right…I’m staying put right now.

As I sit here in my kitchen this morning, it’s so hard to believe it’s been a full year since I moved here, and yet at the same time last fall seems like it was another lifetime ago. So much has happened in the past year, but I clearly remember the feeling of thinking I’d never feel settled anywhere. What a blessing it is to be in this same space today, feeling more settled and content than I ever have in my adult life thus far.  

The day I returned from Rwanda last year, I received an email that set a spiral of events in motion. My new roommate situation fell through, leaving me with an apartment I couldn’t afford and too few weeks before the start of school to find a new roommate. I was also in the process of applying for a service position about an hour away from school, which would mean I’d be moving anyways and further complicating the roommate deal. When the service position didn’t pan out, I had three weeks to find a new place to live. I started packing my things and apartment searching…with one week before the move-out deadline and countless apartments looked at and ruled out, I still had nothing lined up. Worst case scenario, an apartment was going to be available the next month, and one of my dear friends was kind enough to open her home to me and let me crash with her for the month. Panic was setting in, but I was desperately trying to trust God – while I was in Rwanda my friends had told me story after story of God’s provision in his timing, and I was clinging to that promise.

I began to move my things out of my place and into my boyfriend’s garage, and with a car full of boxes, I was in a car accident on my way to internship, just days before my lease was up. When the gentleman asked for my address, I burst into tears…it was the first time I fully realized that I didn’t even have a home address to give him. I was at an absolute low and more stressed than I had ever been – I was exhausted and didn’t know how much more I could do, and I was honestly getting tired of trusting God. The very next day though, I received a call while at the store for more boxes from one of the apartment complexes I had looked at – they were running a special which made the rent affordable for me. The best part? It was available in one week! I crouched in the store aisle and cried in relief…God had provided just in time. :)

The next week, I signed my lease and moved into my beautiful new place. I hadn’t even brought a box upstairs before I laid in the middle of the living room floor, just staring at the ceiling and thanking God for the blessing of the apartment. The sense of relief I had is absolutely indescribable.

Lots of people are surprised to find out that I commute at least an hour to work one way – many ask why I don’t move out of New Jersey and closer to the office. But it’s this very piece of my life that prevents me from moving. Given the events of last fall, I know that God has ordained this physical space for this season of my life, and this apartment has been one of the greatest testimonies to God’s faithfulness and provision in my life. It has been a place of healing, a place of comfort, a place in which I have entered into this stage of life called adulthood. It’s also a reminder that God can do the things that we say we’ll never do….like live in New Jersey. ;) For the first time since I left for college, I will live in the same space, full-time, for more than 14 months, and God is teaching me to slow down, stay put, and be content and present right where he has placed me.

And what a beautiful lesson that is to learn.

Confessions

I hadn’t planned on being away from my blog for so long. Really, I hadn’t…I’ve missed sharing life with you all through this blog. But between my return from Rwanda, my best friend’s wedding, a trip home to visit family, and my full-time job, this blog just kind of fell to the bottom of the priority list. And to be completely honest, the post I’ve been needing and wanting to write is the one with which I have struggled the most.

On the plane home from Rwanda, I had started a blog post with a list of “confessions” – things I had to express but just didn’t quite know how to express them. If I may take the liberty of plagiarizing myself here, I’ve simply cut and pasted my first two confessions:

      1.     I cried when the plane left the ground in Rwanda. I had this immense sadness all morning that I tried to ignore, but as much as I was ready to be home, I just wasn’t ready to leave Rwanda. I can’t even explain what it is, but there’s something in my heart that just loves Rwanda and the people there…I’m usually pretty good at identifying why I feel a certain way, but this is just something that evades me and I don’t know why. All I know is that it broke my heart to leave. 

      2.     I learned the hard way this week that no matter how many thousands of miles away you are, you can’t escape your own life…both the happiness and the heartache of life follow you regardless of which continent you’re on. There were so many things I thought I was done working through, but being in a new space just dug up so many emotions of an old heartache and I just didn’t know what to do about it.

While those feelings are still very real to me, there’s a third confession that I’ve had trouble dealing with, which is why this post is so many weeks late…

3.  I’ve been mad at God.

Yes, that’s right…mad at God. A little bit of angry/bitter kind of mad, a little bit of kid-pouting-in-the-corner kind of mad. I was so horribly sad to leave Rwanda, but I clung to the hope that I just might get that job and be back in a few short months. I had no sooner landed in the States, however, when I saw an email from the organization stating that they wouldn’t be “pursuing my application.” And partly out of jet lag, and mostly out of heartbreak, I fought back tired tears as I walked through the airport. After feeling like my trip had been largely unproductive, I was frustrated with God and so unsure of why he had called me back there this year and opened so many doors to even make the trip possible if I wouldn’t at least be returning there for work.

Beyond not being able to return to Rwanda as soon as I had hoped, I was angry with God because I knew this closed door was, very likely, his way of telling me to stay put where I’m at, be present in this season of life, and just wait on him. And honestly, I didn’t like it. For anyone who knows me, patience and contentment aren’t my strengths – I’ve become so accustomed to moving frequently and always being on the go that I’m constantly looking forward to the next thing instead of just being present where I’m at.

I’ll be honest – it’s been a month and some fighting with God (and maybe some pouting…okay…lots of pouting), and I still don’t understand exactly why I was in Rwanda this summer. And maybe I’ll never know. What I do know is that I’ve seen him do some pretty cool things in the past month, and it’s helping me to see how wonderful life is exactly where he has me in this moment. I have a lot to learn in this space in life, and I wouldn’t want to miss this for the world.